the back and forth

This city. I have only been here two and half months and already this city has broken me and built me back up too many times to count. I can go from thinking, this is too hard. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss all that is familiar and comforting to being reminded why I moved here in the first place: my school, which I love. People I meet daily, who are so kind and genuine. An energy that is constant, day and night. These different thoughts seem to occur on a daily basis. It is the back and forth struggle of getting used to a move like this. For so long, this was my dream. This is still my dream. I couldn’t wait to get out of what felt like my small world. And now, I miss my world in California.

So many days, I have those thoughts of second guessing and doubting. The East Coast is just too far, I think. I am sick of getting rejected from job interviews. Am I good enough? Can I compete in a city with a million others trying to make it? Then there are the days and nights where I walk to class from the west village to fifth avenue. I listen to my music and I read my books and get that jolt of energy that makes everything ok. It washes every doubt and every fear away. I go and see a show and am reminded of what makes life wonderful. I walk through Central Park and see the leaves change and see groups of people sitting and chatting and I think, ah I can’t wait for my group to be doing the same. People of all backgrounds working together and living alongside each other and I know that we are more alike than not and it takes my loneliness away. I went to church and it felt like home and for an hour, I didn’t feel quite so small.

All of these complex feelings coexisting at once are taking a lot to navigate. I have so much to learn. So much life to live. This city. I love this city. I miss home. The back and forth. This is what it’s all about.